


the inside joke

by jjajjangmyeow



Category: ATEEZ (Band), ONEUS (Band)
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Angst, Annoyed Seonghwa, Bestfriend Wooyoung, Confessions, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Fluff, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Gossip Boi Jongho, Hurt No Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Long Shot, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Night Stands, Patient San, Return, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Soff Hongjoong, Stupid Yeosang, Supportive Mingi, Years Later, san triggered by harley quin yeosang, sansang, yeosan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-21 04:10:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21293423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjajjangmyeow/pseuds/jjajjangmyeow
Summary: He was sin, personified, and San knew it full well. Every ounce of self-control he had was sending signals to his brain to not do it, but he still did.---He was sin, personified, and Yeosang found it intriguing. The curious part of him wanted to see up to where San can take it; it was probably a huge gamble against the devil himself but Yeosang wasn't one to deny himself of a nice gamble.
Relationships: Choi San & Kang Yeosang
Comments: 15
Kudos: 86





	1. out of your life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \---Harley Yeosang was the reason for all of this---  
\---ready ur hearts mah frens---  
\---gudlak---

It was a mistake. A huge mistake. It was like getting addicted to a drug that you know will kill you in the end; you know you're fucked the moment you taste it but you still do it anyway. 

He was sin, personified, and San knew it full well. Every ounce of self-control he had was sending signals to his brain to not do it, but he still did. He shifted his weight onto his other leg, his body subtly positioning behind the human form of sin, tempting him. They were monitoring their performance behind the stage and if there was any moment San was particularly happy about his height, this was that moment. He gently moved his head closer to the one in front of him, sniffing the familiar scent and getting drunk in it. 

The mixture of the hair products and the sloppily-sprayed perfume on the other's hair slowly took over San's senses, he was closing his eyes in the form of slight addiction before he even knew it. He was getting lost in the feeling his newfound drug was giving him, his eyes shut tight, when he felt a hand tugging the sleeves of his shirt. He slowly opened his eyes and saw the man before him had already turned his head towards him, a puzzled look painted on his face. 

"What are you doing?" Yeosang's low voice came softer than he had intended to. He had been noticing San's weird behavior ever since the Halloween fansign where he dressed up as Harley Quin. The silent unreadable gaze, the subtle skinships, the secret sniffing of his hair---it freaked him out when he first noticed it. He had once considered confronting San about it, but it was San. He was sin, personified, and Yeosang found it intriguing. The curious part of him wanted to see up to where San can take it; it was probably a huge gamble against the devil himself but Yeosang wasn't one to deny himself of a nice gamble. 

San just shook his head in response to Yeosang's question. He gave the older one a tight smile before turning his attention to the monitor. Yeosang chuckled softly at the other's response but decided to just play along. A guessing game? Two can play that game. 

They finished monitoring their performance and they were back inside the waiting room. While the other members were busy eating their packed dinner, San was glued to his phone. He had been lurking around the internet, waiting for new pictures from their Halloween fansign to come. He kept scrolling down, losing interest as the feed filled with photos of his face seem to be endless. He was about to close his phone when a photo caught his eye.

What do you do when sin stares you dead in the eye, tempting you to give in to your unspoken desires?

Whimper. 

The other members turned to where the ungodly sound came from. And San, being caught red-handed, did nothing but to act scared. 

"What's that?" Yunho asked, eyebrows knitted together. The members would be blind if they didn't notice the weird vibes San has been giving off lately. Yunho shot a glance at Wooyoung but the latter just shrugged. 

"Something scary," San replied, feigning a creeped out look. The members decided to let him off the hook as they went back to eating. 

It was scary, alright. But not in the way San hoped to depict it. 

Someone came up with this crazy idea to edit Yeosang's Harley Quin costume---to the original one. As if the fishnets and ripped jeans weren't enough for San, and everyone else, to go crazy, there it was: Kang Yeosang, the personified sin, wearing the original Harley Quin costume. 

On the other side of the room, a smirk spread across Yeosang's pretty lips. He had seen the photo earlier and even he found himself hot. The moment he heard San whimper, he knew what it was about. 

Their manager soon entered, with a camera in his hand, reminding them to take group photos before they came back out for the ending ment. The members all moved to the couch as their manager set up the camera. Yeosang was the last one to approach the scene, leaving him with no space to sit in. He eyed the floor, and flopped down, in front of San, letting his hand grab onto San's knee, pretending to do it for support. San froze in his seat at the sudden contact. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, leaning forward to hide the tent forming at his southern region. 

The group photo was taken in seconds but it seemed like forever for San. He immediately ran off to the bathroom, making sure to lock the door as he tried to calm himself down. 

"Prancing, dancing, golden retrievers," he kept repeating to himself until he calmed down. 

He stared at himself in the mirror. He had never been this frustrated at something. He shook his head muttering a soft curse under his breath. He needs to stay away. He really does. 

They had no schedules for the next day, so while the other members decided to either sleep or go around the city, San woke up early and headed to their practice room to vent out his frustrations by dancing. He blasted loud music, taking his mind off of everything. He let the melody pulse through his veins, his heart commanding his every move as his brain completely let go. He was so immersed with his dance that he didn't notice the door open and a person slip inside. 

Yeosang watched as he moved as free as the wind. He knew him too well---this was a clear sign of frustration. Yeah, San would dance in his free time, but not like this. He clearly was just dancing to let off some steam. Yeosang's eyebrows knitted together. Maybe waiting for San to say something was a bad idea. 

Of course, it was. It's always a bad idea to wait for someone to reach their limit, and even taunt them in the process. Yeosang mentally scolded himself, running his hand through his hair, getting almost equally frustrated as San was yesterday. Yes, he should talk to San about his weird behavior.

The music stopped; San still hadn't noticed Yeosang's presence. He walked over to where his stuff was, wiping his sweat off with a towel. He reached for his water bottle and instantly gulped down half of its content. 

Yeosang watched his reflection in the mirror, gulping down the water hastily, reason slowly leaving the vicinity of his brain. He had always known San was oozing with sex appeal, he just didn't know it was this much. Before he could even decide what to do, to either call onto San or sneak out of the room, the younger one had begun lifting his shirt up until it was removed completely; the soaked piece of fabric immediately tossed to the side. His toned body was glistening with sweat, his chest heaving up and down with exhaustion. 

It was only after the shirt had landed on the floor that San noticed he wasn't alone. He gasped at the sight of Yeosang gaping at him. He stuttered, asking the older boy what he was doing there, a choked up "nothing" came as a reply. San frantically picked up a clean shirt and threw it on before facing Yeosang. 

"How long have you been there?" San managed to ask with a straight face despite the hammering on his chest. 

"About 10 minutes?" Yeosang replied, unsure.

Awkward silence swallowed the two of them. San sat down on the floor, trying to avoid the questioning gaze Yeosang held. Yeosang was way too observant for his own good, so the younger one had a rough guess as to why Yeosang came. He nervously played with the band on his arm, the one Wooyoung gave to him as a present, remembering his best friend's advice the night before as they were on the way home. 

_"If you're that frustrated about Yeosang-ie's crossdressing, dance it out, or ask him for a kiss, I don't know," Wooyoung whispered, careful not to alert the other members. "Just get it out of your system and stop being weird. Seriously, it's getting annoying."_

San opened his mouth to say something but Yeosang beat him to it. 

"Don't skip your meals," the older boy spoke before walking out.

For days after that, things seem to get worse. San was even more quiet than before. Even the members were getting worried by it. They wanted to confront San about it but the member who does confrontations best doesn't even seem to care about San's behavior. They were on the way back to their dorms from a music show and exhaustion was apparent on everyone's faces. By the time they got to the dorms, the boys were scrambling towards the bathroom, fighting over who goes first. The exhausted San decided to let the others fight on their own; the couch seemed to be a nice place to nap in as he waited for his turn. 

A soft smile spread on Yeosang's lips as he watched the younger one melt into the couch, falling into the trap of slumber. He shook his head and went to the kitchen where Mingi was binging a tub of ice cream. The tall boy offered a spoonful and Yeosang didn't decline. 

"Did you talk to him about it?" Mingi asked, the question almost inaudible from the ice cream he just put in his mouth. 

Yeosang shook his head. 

"For the first time in my life," Yeosang sighed. "I can't seem to talk to confront someone about something that bothers me." 

"How many times have you caught him doing it?" Mingi glared at him. "He seriously needs to get it out of his system. Not just him, you know. You too." 

Yeosang rested his head on Mingi's shoulder and sighed. 

"Tell him to kiss you or something," Mingi suggested. "If you're both grossed out after, well, you can just pretend it never happened. If you both like it, well, a new secret for us to keep."

Yeosang lifted his head and showed Mingi a worried look. 

"What if," Yeosang furrowed his eyebrows. "What if I like it and he doesn't?"

Mingi stared at him and pouted in thought. He scooped a spoonful and fed it to the worrisome boy beside him. 

"Well, you're fucked," he answered after some thinking, earning a glare from Yeosang. 

Jongho's head popped into the doorway, his hair still wet from the shower he just got. 

"Yeosang-hyung, you can use the bathroom now," he said before bidding them good night. 

Yeosang lazily walked into the bathroom, stealing a glance at San who was still sleeping on the sofa. Tomorrow. He will talk to him about it tomorrow. Right now, he needs a shower. 

Yeosang didn't even bother turning the heater on. He let the ice-cold water run down his body; the vision of San dancing the other day replaying in his mind. The way his body moved along with the melody of the music, the way his hair flipped as he whipped his head, the way his sweat trickled down on his forehead, the way his chest heaved as he ran out of breath, the way he lifted his shirt---

Yeosang snapped his eyes open. He didn't know exactly when it began but he seemed to share the same kind of attraction San had for him. He knew his crossdressing was a start for San, but he couldn't figure out when his started. He quickly finished his shower, a curse silently passing out of his mouth as he remembered he forgot to bring fresh clothes with him. He wrapped a towel around his waist, his hair dripping wet. Cold droplets fell from the tip of his bangs onto his face as he stepped out of the bathroom. San was still sitting on the couch, his head tilted up in an awkward position; his neck was hanging on top of the backrest. 

Yeosang took a look around and saw that all the other members had already gone to bed. He shook his head and retreated to his own bedroom, trying not to feel guilty about leaving San in that awkward sleeping position. He got dressed and was about to go straight into bed, when his conscience got the better of him. He sighed and stepped out of his room, walking over San who was still sleeping in that position. He walked towards the back of the couch and towered over San, shaking his head in disbelief. He poked San's forehead, whispering his name gently. San didn't budge. A crazy idea popped into Yeosang's head and a mischievous grin spread across his face. 

He started shaking his head, the water from his hair making a small shower that sprinkled over San's face. San, probably startled by the sudden coldness dripping on his face, waved his hand to swat away whatever it was making his face wet; unfortunately for Yeosang, his face got swatted away by a rogue hand. 

"Ah!" Yeosang screamed in pain as San's hand slapped his cheek, the sudden noise jolted San awake. 

San quickly turned to see Yeosang sitting on the floor, clutching his reddened cheek. 

"Sang-ah! Oh my god!" 

San ran over to the older boy, checking the face he had just slapped. He gasped in shock and fear as he saw a small cut just below Yeosang's left eye. He must have scratched him too. 

"It's fine," Yeosang insisted, standing up. "It was my fault anyway. I should have just woken you up properly."

He turned to walk back to his room but San grabbed his arm and sat him down the couch. 

"Wait here," San ordered. Yeosang was taken aback. It was the first time he saw San both worried and annoyed at the same time. The authority in San's voice made Yeosang do as he was told. He sat on the couch, cheek twitching from the pain of the slap he had just received. San came back not a minute later, carrying some ointment and a band-aid. He sat beside Yeosang, applying some ointment to the small scratch; their faces just inches away from each other.

Yeosang took a good look at San. He still couldn't remember when his attraction towards the younger one started. Maybe it was because he was intrigued by San's recent weird behavior, he's not sure. San stopped applying the ointment half-way when he realized Yeosang was staring at him. His shaky voice found its way out of his mouth; he managed to ask the older one what was wrong. It took a while for San's question to register in Yeosang's head; he just looked away and muttered a small nothing. 

San bit his lip at Yeosang's reaction, unable to read the other's mind. He had been waiting for Yeosang to confront him about his recent weirdness but it has been days since the incident in the practice room but still, nada. He so badly wanted to come clean and just follow Wooyoung's second suggestion, to ask Yeosang for a kiss, but he wasn't even sure if Yeosang had already noticed. 

Was he willing to take that risk? Yes. 

Was he ready to take that risk? No. 

Silence it is. 

San put the band-aid on Yeosang's face and stood up first. He apologized to the older boy once again, before getting into the shower. Yeosang snapped out of his trance and sighed in relief. For a moment there, he thought San was going to kiss him. For a moment there, he was considering kissing San. Just to get it over with. He didn't know why but a part of him wished he was brave enough to actually push through with the action; a part of him wished San was brave enough to do it too. 

He retired back to bed, thinking that this was for the best. Just imagine how awkward it could have been if he moved in only for San to end up hating it. He didn't know if he can take that kind of rejection. 

Nothing else happened after that. The two of them, despite the obvious attraction, kept their distance away from each other; enough for the members to not be too cautious around them, enough for the fans not to notice anything amiss, but also enough for them to remember that whatever this was, was just wrong. The unspoken agreement of not interacting much between the two of them went on smoothly, until they had to go on a variety show. 

The first strike came when they were splitting into groups, the two of them ended up being grouped together, along with Mingi and Hongjoong. San immediately pretended to act like he hated his group because Wooyoung wasn't there but he knew in his heart he was glad to have more interaction with Yeosang even if it was just for the cameras. 

The second strike came like a slap to San's face when they had to play paper relay game. He had purposely stayed at the end of the line to avoid standing beside Yeosang but it seemed to be a worse idea than standing beside the older guy. Seeing Yeosang pass a piece of paper with his mouth between Hongjoong and Mingi triggered some sort of anger in him, so much that he just wanted to rip Yeosang away from the two. He managed to fake a smile throughout the game, though. It may be a pass to the cameras but his members knew something was up. 

The third and final strike came to Yeosang unexpectedly. They were all going in for a group photo, a box of props was handed to them, each member randomly picking a piece of prop for the photo. It was as if fate was playing with the two of them. The disbelief in Yeosang's face was hard to miss. He sighed in nervousness as he lifted a blonde wig. He glimpsed over to San who didn't seem to notice. He silently slipped the wig on, hoping no one would call him out for it. But much to his dismay, the host praised his beauty so loudly that even some of the staff who weren't looking whipped their heads towards him. Everyone but one person: San. 

A tinge of annoyance came over him but he managed to hide it until the filming was done. 

A part of him was hoping San would react, even just a tiny bit, to him wearing a wig. After all, it was after his crossdressing that San started to act weird around him. Maybe it was because they had been avoiding each other for too long that he was starting to miss the younger boy's presence. In his irritation, he refused to remove the wig even after the filming was done. Partly, it was because he was enjoying the compliments he was receiving from the staff but partly because he wanted San to look his way, even for just a while. He went out of their waiting room to get some coffee and on his way back, his wish came true. 

San was right in front of him, stopping dead in his tracks. Yeosang couldn't read the expression on San's face but he knew there was frustration mixed among that expression. Yeosang smiled tightly at him before deciding to just walk past San but his decision was cut half-way when he felt a tight grip around his arm. The next thing he knew, he's being dragged into a cubicle in the restroom, soft, warm lips were crashing against his. 

In an instant he melted into the kiss, his mind screaming praises at how San's mouth moved perfectly with his. He reached over to grab San's shoulder to deepen the kiss but his hands were immediately pinned against the cubicle door, another hand pulled him by the waist to deepen the kiss. 

Yeosang hated being dominated by others but this was different. He felt the need in the kiss and he had no choice but to give in and let San manhandle him like that. They pulled back, out of breath, trying to catch some oxygen. 

San stared down at Yeosang's swollen lips; the older boy taking it as a cue for more. But just as he moved in, San pushed himself off of him. The hand that held him by the waist went flying over to his mouth, as if San had just had the biggest shock of his life. 

San's eyebrows furrowed, like it always does when he's deep in thought, and that scared Yeosang. He was about to ask San what was wrong when a voice sounded from outside. 

"Yeosang-ah, pick your wig up!" 

It was Seonghwa. The piece of blonde wig was kicked inside the cubicle, stopping in between San and Yeosang. It was then that Yeosang realized what the shock on San's face meant. He no longer resemble that Harley Quin persona he had during Halloween. He was just Yeosang. Just a boy. 

A boy. 

He was nothing but a boy in San's eyes. San wanted the Yeosang in crossdress. Not this Yeosang. Not this one with a clean cut hair. He wanted the one with long blonde hair. Not this one. 

He frantically picked the wig up and in a flash, he was back into their waiting room. The others knew better than to ask what happened so they just let him be until they got back to the dorm. Mingi asked him what was wrong but to Mingi's dismay, he got nothing. Yeosang went straight to bed, burying his face into his pillow and silently cried. 

What was he thinking? That San would actually like him? How stupid can you be? he asked himself. He thought back to the moments when San would act weird around him, there was a reason why he couldn't confront San about it. He didn't want to. He knew how enlightening his confrontations can be for the members and he didn't want San to be enlightened, because he knew at the end of the day, it was a female version of him that San liked. Not him. 

His sobs were cut short when he heard the door open. He had no energy to see who it was, so he kept his head buried in his pillow. 

"Sang-ah, I'm sorry," a familiar voice sounded. Yeosang froze in his place. "I didn't mean to do that, I swear. It's just… I don't know. We can just forget about it." 

Yeosang wanted to lift his head and say he didn't want to but he was crying. He didn't want to show San his tears.

"Sang-ah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. It was just…"

Yeosang furrowed his eyebrows at the trailed off statement. He was silently wishing it wouldn't end the way he knew it would. San took a moment before continuing. 

"It was just the wig."

A sharp pain twisted in Yeosang's chest. His guess was right. San didn't want him. He wanted the girl Yeosang. 

But humans are stubborn creatures. You already have the answer and you still want to ask if that really was the answer, wishing the answer would change. 

"So if I wasn't wearing it, you wouldn't have done it?" he asked with a voice muffled by the pillow, wishing San would say that wasn't the case.

San instantly shook his head. 

"No, that'll be weird," he laughed nervously, driving the knife straight into Yeosang's chest. 

Yeosang didn't say anything anymore because what else could he say? But fate was cruel. As if those words weren't enough to kill him, a question he never expected San to ask came, crushing his heart into pieces. 

"We good?" 

The older boy, not knowing how to respond just nodded and silently prayed that San would leave. Unbeknownst to him, San was silently praying he would turn around and make him stay. 

For the next few days, they were fine. At least, they acted like it. The members were mentally rejoicing that the two had stopped with their charade and was back to normal. Now, they can hang out like before---no more inhibitions and no more walking on eggshells. They had a free day and since everyone decided to stay in, Yunho suggested they watch a movie. Unanimous agreement came right after the suggestion. 

Yeosang was done helping the other members set up the living room so he decided to help out in the kitchen. Much to his dismay, San was there, clinging onto Wooyoung as the latter mixed the sauce for the nachos. It was like a glaring reminder to Yeosang that on a normal day, San would automatically choose to cling onto his best friend rather than him. 

It's been days since the kissing incident happened, and San seemed to be back to his normal self, but although Yeosang appeared to be okay, he was slowly dying inside. He wanted more of that kiss. His mind had been going back and forth about asking San for it but the scene playing in front of him, San hugging Wooyoung from behind and burying his face on the latter's shoulder, was like the universe telling him the kiss was not something he can just ask for. 

He turned away and went back to the living room, sitting at the farthest corner possible and enveloping himself in his blanket. Not long after, they started watching the movie. It was a horror movie and normally, Yeosang would be the one who curses the most when the jumpscares came on. But right now, he was just absentmindedly staring at the television. His mind was still wandering over to that kiss---the one which was decided to just be forgotten. He wanted to push through with it and ask San but since they weren't really talking; he just couldn't get the younger one alone. His eyebrows furrowed in frustration and Jongho who was sitting beside him found his behavior odd. He leaned in to ask the older boy if he was alright. Yeosang snapped out of his worries and shook his head to Jongho. 

"I'm not feeling well, I should probably get some sleep," he replied before standing up and heading to his room, leaving Jongho to explain what was happening to the other members. 

San who was on the other side of the room, cuddled up close to Wooyoung, heard the commotion and got distracted by it. He had noticed the deterioration in Yeosang's energy since the incident happened but he thought if he just continued pretending to be okay, things will get better too. 

Yes, he lied. 

It wasn't just the wig. Almost immediately after he got turned on just by Yeosang touching his knee for that group photo weeks ago, he knew, it wasn't just Harley Yeosang that turned him on. It was Yeosang himself. At first he thought it was just his sexual frustrations coming to haunt him, projecting itself to Yeosang but after a while he realized he had actually began liking the older guy.

As he watched Yeosang from afar, he noticed little things, little habits of Yeosang, that made his heart skip a bit. The silent cursing, the subtle furrowing his eyebrows when he was confused. The way he would spread the dip on the biscuit rather than actually dipping it. His small victory dance when he wins the game on his phone. These little things piled up to form the boy he liked: Kang Yeosang. Crossdressing aside, he was both sexually and romantically attracted to Yeosang. But the repeat display of Yeosang in a wig was too much for him to handle; it reminded him of his pent up frustrations. 

He didn't give into the temptation because Yeosang was in a wig. He gave in because it was Yeosang. The wig was just an excuse. He knew that the wig had fallen long before they had entered the cubicle. He knew he was kissing Yeosang as he was, because that was what he wanted. 

The surprised look on his face wasn't because the wig had fallen off. It was because he never expected himself to lose control and treat Yeosang like that without the latter's permission. He had pictured how their first kiss would be, a million times in his head and it was nothing like that needy kiss in the cubicle. 

His heart broke when Yeosang walked out. His heart broke when he heard him crying. He thought it was because Yeosang was disgusted by what he did. But for the past few days, it seemed like Yeosang wasn't as disgusted as he thought. 

"You know," Wooyoung's voice cut off his train of thoughts. "If you're gonna sit here worried about him, might as well check on him." 

He passed a disbelieving look over at Wooyoung but his best friend just shrugged. He stood up from the couch but Wooyoung pulled him back down, whispering into his ear. 

"Don't forget to lock the door," he teased. San smacked his forehead before running off to the room where the boy he liked was cooped up. 

"Yeosang?" he called out as he peeked inside. It was dark inside and he couldn't see a thing. So when no response came, he decided to step inside. But the moment he shut the door, he was pinned against it. 

"Kiss me." 

It took awhile before his eyes could adjust to the darkness but with the small light coming from the window, he could make out Yeosang standing in front of him, a frustrated look on his face. 

"W-what?" San stuttered as the older's order registered in his brain. 

"Fuck, Choi San," Yeosang gritted his teeth. "Fucking kiss me."

San froze in his place. Yeosang clenched his fist. He was so stupid. Thinking that San would just do it if he asked. 

"Oh right, you won't do it unless I'm wearing a wig," Yeosang spat out bitterly. "Because it would be weird if I wasn't." 

No! San screamed in his brain. But before he could even react, Yeosang had already started walking back to his bed. 

San's heart was hammering in his chest. Did that just really happen? Did Yeosang just really ask to be kissed? His hand found its way into the doorknob and locked it. The sudden clicking of the lock made Yeosang turn his head back to where San was standing. 

"That was a lie," was the last thing Yeosang heard before a pair of familiar lips came crashing down on his. 

In an instant, he was kissing him back. San bit his lip to ask for permission to put his tongue inside the older's mouth and Yeosang granted it. San's mouth tasted like lemon. Yeosang chuckled in the middle if the kiss when he remembered that San had just finished a lollipop just minutes before Jongho asked him if he was alright. San, hearing the chuckle pulled away, confused. 

"What?" he asked in confusion. 

Yeosang chuckled, brushing his lips against San's. 

"I've never tried the lemon flavor," he answered. He pulled San's head down, pecking the younger's lips. "Now I have."

The huskiness of Yeosang's voice and the light kiss he had just received drove San crazy. His arms found its way to Yeosang's thighs and in a split second, he was carrying him to his bed, their lips finding its way to each other again. San laid the older boy down on the bed, hovering on top of him. 

"Tell me to stop, I will," he promised. Yeosang snaked his arms around San's neck, bringing him down for a kiss.

"Don't."

San pulled away, removing his shirt, before going back down to kiss Yeosang once more. It was intoxicating. The way Yeosang sucked on his lower lip was enough to make him go crazy. He slipped his tongue inside Yeosang's mouth and much to his surprise, the older boy sucked on it. His arms almost gave out at the sudden action; Yeosang seemed to have noticed. He flipped their positions and he was now straddling San. He slowly moved down to San's neck, careful not to leave marks. Just as San was about to pull him back up for a kiss, he moved away, slowly removing his shirt in the process. San sighed at the display in front of him. He held onto Yeosang's waist, his thumb running circles on the bare skin. 

"God," he spoke almost inaudible. "You're beautiful." 

Yeosang smirked, pulling San up to meet him for a kiss. Their lips moved in sync, both of them getting lost in each other's taste. San flipped their positions back to what is was before, exploring the rest of Yeosang's body with his mouth. As much as he wanted to bite the soft skin that was running against his lips, he knew they would be in trouble if he left a mark, so he restrained himself from doing so. It wasn't long before Yeosang's joggers were strewn on the floor, along with his boxers. San was about to ask if he had any lube but a small bottle was thrown to him before the words even found its way to his mouth. San chuckled before opening the small bottle and coating his fingers with it. 

"Ready?" he asked, positioning his finger against Yeosang's entrance; the coldness of the substance sending shivers down Yeosang's spine. The older boy nodded and San proceeded. He slowly slipped his finger in, waiting for Yeosang to adjust before moving. Yeosang's breath started to calm down and the younger boy took it as a cue to start moving. Yeosang grabbed onto his shoulders at the sudden movement. His hips bucked together with San's pumping. 

"More," he muttered under his breath and San obliged. He slipped in the next finger and waited for Yeosang to adjust before moving once more. He leaned down to place soothing kisses all over Yeosang's body. Yeosang was enjoying it too much to notice that San was already at the third finger. He pulled San's face closer to his and begged for the younger to kiss him. The younger boy obliged, slowly pulling his fingers out to replace it with something else. Yeosang was too drunk in the way San's tongue was exploring his mouth to notice that it was no longer San's fingers inside him. 

The younger pushed it further in, making Yeosang jolt at the sudden force. 

"Th-that's… that's not---" Yeosang couldn't finish his sentence. His mind was slowly going blank at the new sensation. 

"No, baby, it's not," San answered, as if reading Yeosang's mind. "I can't---"

"Just shut up and fuck me," Yeosang growled in a low voice, pulling San back for a kiss. 

San did as he was told, his alternating paces moved Yeosang closer and closer to the edge. The lewd noises the older was making right below him were probably loud enough for the members to hear it in the living room but neither of them cared. San turned Yeosang sideways and slung one of his legs over his shoulders to gain more access. He knelt closer to Yeosang's body and pushed the whole length in, making Yeosang scream his name. San reached out to caress Yeosang's hair, the one he had always been secretly sniffing whenever he had the chance to. It was as soft as he remembered. Yeosang was already biting down his own arm, and fisting the sheets in the other. Yeosang remembered feeling annoyed by San's hip thrusts during their performances but he was nothing near annoyed now. He was enjoying this more than he had expected. The sound of their skin slapping was mixing with the silent curses that slipped from their mouth every now and then. 

San loved it when Yeosang curses under his breath, but he just found out those curses were better screamed along with his name. 

It wasn't long before Yeosang pinched San's arm, telling him he was nearing his climax. The younger flipped their positions so that Yeosang was riding him. 

"Ride me, baby, let me watch you," San ordered. Just like that time when he was ordered to wait, the authority in San's voice compelled Yeosang to do as he was told. 

"I-I'm com-ming," he stuttered as he bounced up and down San's length. 

"Come, baby," San replied holding tight onto Yeosang's waist, guiding his pace, thrusting hard just as the older came down on him. 

Inaudible slurs were heard from Yeosang's mouth as he came, spilling his seeds onto San's stomach. San came soon after him, thrusting a few more times before pulling out to cum outside. He was surprised he even remembered he wasn't wearing any protection before he came. Yeosang collapsed on top of San, breathing heavily. He was too exhausted to move; San took the liberty of moving him onto the bed and into his embrace. 

"T-that was amazing," Yeosang whispered in a raspy voice. 

"It was," San placed a kiss on his shoulder and buried his face onto the older's hair, taking in the sweet scent he had grown addicted to, before finally falling asleep.

Realization dawned on Yeosang. He finally realized when his attraction to San began. It was because of all of that hair-sniffing. He had grown to find it endearing. The way San would always hesitate but end up doing it instead. The way San would blush and shrug when he was caught red-handed. The way San would get dangerously close to him just to sniff his hair.

Yes, dangerous. 

Yeosang run his fingers on the arm that was embracing him safely. He got it over with. He got it out of his system. He can choose to either remember or forget this night some other time but for now, he has to remember that this, whatever this is, was dangerous. 

He wanted a kiss and got even more than what he asked for. But that's it. 

Tonight, Yeosang thought to himself, is the beginning and the end of whatever this is. 

He removed his hand from San's arm and crossed his own arms, as if to protect himself from the consequences that came along with this stupid mistake. 

The next morning came like any other mornings. San, feeling there was no one beside him, shuffled out of the bed, frantically searching for the boy who was just sleeping beside him the night before. He threw his clothes on and stepped out of the room and saw Yeosang busy preparing breakfast. He silently walked up behind Yeosang and leaned onto his shoulder to greet him a good morning. The words barely made it to his mouth when Yeosang flinched at his touch. The older boy turned sharply, leaning away from San. San was taken aback at the sudden coldness from Yeosang. His brows furrowed in confusion. Just last night, they did things he never imagined they would. And now, they're back to where they began, if not worse. 

"What's wrong?" San managed to ask.

Yeosang stepped away from him and went back to putting food on plates. 

"Nothing," he replied. 

San followed behind him, eyebrows knitted. 

"What do you mean, nothing?" he asked reaching out to touch Yeosang but the other moved away before their skin could even come in contact. "See, you won't even let me touch you."

Fear crept up onto San's face. 

"Did I… did I hurt you last night?" he gasped. "Shit, Sang-ah, I didn't mean to hur---"

"Last night," Yeosang interrupted him. "Was the end."

San gaped at him. 

"End?" he repeated. "What do you mean?"

"Wooyoung was right," Yeosang answered. "You need to get it out of your system. I overheard your conversation with him while we were on the way home a few weeks ago. He told you to dance or ask me for a kiss. I saw you dance. It didn't help, did it?"

San couldn't answer. 

"Mingi told me the same thing," Yeosang continued. "We both needed to get it out of our systems. So, last night, that was nothing but us getting it out."

San stared at him in disbelief. He couldn't believe he even thought for a second that Yeosang wanted something more than the sex. 

"Yeah, you're right," he finally agreed after a while.

Yeosang watched as the warm sunshine on San's face minutes ago changed into a dark unreadable expression. San cleared his throat and said that he would shower first before the other members woke up and chaos ensued. Yeosang silently nodded, going back to preparing their breakfast. 

San turned the shower on, letting the warm water soak him. He was too absorbed in replaying his conversation with Yeosang that he didn't notice that he was already crying. It wasn't Yeosang's fault anyway. It was his fault for getting his hopes up. 

It was a mistake. A huge mistake. He shouldn't have let his guard down like that. He gave in to the temptation and end up hurting himself---it was all on him. He wiped away the tears in his eyes and finished showering. All eyes were on him when he stepped out of the living room. The members were giving him a teasing look but he really wasn't in the mood to respond. Who would be? After getting shunned by the person you like, just like that, how do you even react to such teasing looks? 

San went straight to his bedroom but Wooyoung followed him inside. 

"You guys could have kept it down, you know," Wooyoung joked as he stood in the doorway. San turned to him, tears brimming in his eyes; he gave up trying to hold back and just burst out crying. His knees gave out and he fell to the floor---Wooyoung rushing to his side, asking him what was wrong.

San couldn't do anything but to cling onto Wooyoung like his life depended on it. The tears kept streaming down his face, his chest was tightening by the second. He wanted to tell Wooyoung about what happened but he couldn't find the strength to talk. He just kept crying on the floor. He never thought your heart could physically hurt when you're heartbroken. Wooyoung enveloped him in a tight embrace; he had a slight clue about what was happening. 

"It meant nothing," San managed to speak after a while. "It meant nothing to him."

He continued sobbing until he was worn out. Wooyoung helped him back to his bed. 

"You still have a couple of hours before our next schedule," Wooyoung didn't want to nag at him but this wasn't something he could skip. "Rest up."

San nodded and wrapped himself up in his blanket. He wanted to cry more but he was too exhausted to. He just let his heavy eyes close until he fell asleep. 

Outside of the room, Wooyoung kept his silence when the other members asked what happened. He just passed an annoyed look over to Yeosang who didn't seem to care at all. He wanted to confront Yeosang about it but he knew it wasn't his business. As much as he didn't want to see his best friend cry like that, he knew it wasn't something he could delve in. They all ate their breakfast in silence. Things seem to have gotten even worse than when San and Yeosang were avoiding each other. 

Hongjoong decided to wake San up an hour before their schedule because he hadn't eaten anything since that morning and it was almost past noon. He slowly approached San's bed but before he could even sit down, San had already turned his head to him. Hongjoong didn't want to pry but whatever was going on between the two were slowly affecting the whole group. San could read what was on the leader's mind; he spoke up before Hongjoong could even muster up the courage to ask him. 

"Don't worry, hyung," San spoke in a weak voice. Hongjoong's heart went out to him but he tried not to show it. "I'll be the sunshine everyone knows me to be when I step out of this room."

Hongjoong looked straight into his eyes to see if he was serious. The younger boy was. The leader nodded in approval and put a hand on San's shoulder. He gave him an encouraging smile before leaving the room without any word. That was all San needed. Someone to look at him and believe that he can manage. He can be fine, or at least pretend to be until he actually was. 

San took a deep breath before moving out of his bed and stepping out in the living room. The other members whipped their heads to his direction, failing completely at hiding their worried looks. San raised his eyebrow and chuckled at them, asking what in the world they were looking worried for. He pulled Wooyoung up from the couch, protesting that he wanted food. Wooyoung rolled his eyes but followed him to the kitchen, helping him reheat the leftover breakfast. 

A concerned look passed from Wooyoung to San and the latter just smiled, embracing his best friend in a tight hug. 

"I love you," San muttered as he buried his face into Wooyoung's shoulder. 

Wooyoung was still worried about him but he knew once San decided on something, nothing can ever stop him from doing so. If he wanted to pretend like nothing happened, and not talk about it anymore, Wooyoung would support him. He pulled back from San's hug and faked a disgusted look on his face. 

"Of course you love me," Wooyoung answered. "Who doesn't?"

San laughed at his reaction and gave him a tight smile as if to reassure him that he would be fine. 

They went to their schedule that afternoon, a magazine shoot. The other members were relieved that San was back to his normal self. He was dancing to random songs with Yunho and Mingi while waiting for their turn for the shoot, he was clinging onto Wooyoung and Hongjoong until they literally had to shake him off. He was eating a whole lot of food at one corner with Seonghwa and Jongho. The only one left for him to interact with was Yeosang and the turn came just before he was called out to shoot. He took the camera from Yunho and started shooting random stuff for their Ateez Log, he ran around the set to look for a member to be bothered---turns out there was no one but Yeosang. 

San approached him and greeted him in a reporter-like tone. Yeosang looked up from his phone and waved at the camera like he normally would. 

"Yeosang-ssi, what are you doing today?" San started his interrogation.

"We are here for a photo shoot for a magazine," Yeosang answered in the most formal way possible. 

"I heard that you will be wearing another sleeveless shirt," San continued. "What preparations did you have for this task today?" 

Yeosang cleared his throat and positioned himself in front of the camera to flex his arms. 

"I did not need to prepare," he answered. "I was born ready."

San faked a barfing sound the moment he finished his statement, Yeosang instantly reached out to smack him in the head. 

The other members watched from afar and heaved a sigh of relief. The awkward phase was finally over. It was only in the quick exchange between Wooyoung and Hongjoong's gazes that a worried look could be seen. 

Oblivious to the eyes watching them, San caught the hand that was threatening to smack him in the head. He stuck out a tongue at Yeosang who scowled right back at him. San tried to fight his laughter but burst out laughing anyway, instantly infecting Yeosang with the same guffaw. They don't know why they were laughing, or maybe they did---and they both decided it's better to clutch their sides in pain from laughing too hard than clutch their chests to keep their hearts from falling apart. An exhausted sigh left their mouths simultaneously. 

"We good?" Yeosang asked, still out of breath from laughing. 

San smiled and extended his arms towards Yeosang, the latter fitting perfectly into his arms. San enveloped his arms around the other and buried his head in his hair, taking in the familiar scent he had grown accustomed to---for the last time. 

"Yup," San replied. "We're good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \---but r they really gonna settle for good---  
\---AaaaAAAAaaAaaAa thank u for reading---  
\---comments and kudos r vvv much appreciated---


	2. back in your life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> S&H
> 
> The three characters embossed on the silky, cream-colored envelope, brushed against Yeosang's fingertips. He opened the envelope and read the contents. He was relieved that he didn't have any special participation at the ceremony. He just had to be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \---hello---  
\---im sorry for hurting u in the first chap--  
\--heres more--

_S&H_

The three characters embossed on the silky, cream-colored envelope, brushed against Yeosang's fingertips. He opened the envelope and read the contents. He was relieved that he didn't have any special participation at the ceremony. He just had to be there. 

It's been three years since the members have decided to go their separate ways. They have achieved so much together, a decade and a half seemed to pass by just like a breeze. Now they each wanted to flourish in their own ways---and they did. Although they agreed to meet every now and then, their busy schedules somehow got in the way. Even if they did meet, not everyone was always present. The wedding seemed to be a blessing in disguise, now, it was sure that everyone was going to be there.

But Yeosang wasn't sure he was ready for that. After all, everything was left hanging. The love that kept on growing inside his heart---the same love he kept on denying, disguising it as a joke to be laughed about for the past 18 years, was like a peaceful pond that could be disturbed even by the slightest whisper. This wedding was that silent whisper.

Memories of the boy he loved flooded his mind. 

_Yeosang bit down hard on his lip, in hopes that he wouldn't curse out loud. They were currently going through a haunted mansion in an amusement park as punishment for losing the game. He remembered their Yunho's warning not to curse on their recording before they entered. _

_In front of him, Seonghwa seemed to be unbothered by the creepy displays and the jumpscares. Other than the disgusted look on his face from time to time, he seemed fine. Jongho was no different. He lead the way as if they were just touring around his own house. They kept on walking, the two members in front giving side comments about the things they were seeing inside. Yeosang was following closely behind Seonghwa when something dropped in front of him. He screamed his lungs out, backing away from the severed head that had just fallen in front of him, forgetting about the person behind him: San. _

_He crashed onto San, luckily, not forceful enough to make them fall. San had jolted at the sudden scream but was quick to compose himself. He caught Yeosang's arms to keep him from backing into another prop. The older boy paled at the sudden touch but upon realizing it was San, he calmed down a bit. _

_The younger boy mistook the paleness on Yeosang's face as a sign of discomfort at their sudden contact, so he quickly let go. Much to his surprise, Yeosang glared at him. _

_"Why are you letting me go?" Yeosang asked, grabbing onto San's arm. "I'm scared. Don't let me go." _

Yeosang chuckled bitterly at the memory. Sure, at that moment, it seemed like something he would say to get through the haunted mansion without having a heart attack. But looking back, he realized it was something he had wished to tell San ever since that night. He wanted to admit he was scared of what might happen if they did act on their feelings, but he also wanted to tell San to not let him go anyway. 

_"I won't," San replied, taking Yeosang's hand into his. _

_They got through the whole haunted mansion without any other incident but his heart was still racing in fear when they got back to where the other members were waiting. Yeosang was clutching San's hand tightly even after they had walked out; it was only after Yunho teased them about it that Yeosang decided to let go. He turned to look at San's expression as he removed his hand---it was blank. It was just like when someone asked you to hold his things for a while and was taking it back. Yeosang's heart sank at seeing San act like that. _

_Sure, he was the one who said that night was just a one time thing, but his heart was still yearning for the other. He said all those things to protect his heart, but his heart seemed not to care whether it was going to be hurt or not. All it wanted was one thing: to be with San. _

It still does. Yeosang ran a hand over to his chest and patted it slightly. 

"You've done well for 18 years," he whispered to himself, hoping his heart would hear. "Don't fail me now."

He put the envelope down the table and went back to reading the script in his hand. Today was the last day of filming for his drama. He was sitting in his chair in the waiting room, waiting for the staff to finish setting up the lights. The assistant director came in a few minutes later, telling him they were ready to shoot the final scene. He went over to his mark and took a deep breath, Kang Yeosang leaving his subconscious, his character taking over him. 

The scene was finished in two takes. The crew cheered after the director said the infamous 'that's a wrap'. Yeosang thanked everyone for their hard work before going back to the waiting room to get changed. His assistant followed him inside asking if he wanted to join the dinner prepared for the crew. Yeosang politely declined. He explained that he already had prior commitments. His assistant nodded in understanding and left to explain to the staff. 

It wasn't long before he left the location, once again thanking everyone for their hard work and apologizing for not being able to make it to the dinner. He drove off in his car, hurrying to the café where he agreed to meet someone. He stopped at an intersection, silently watching as the people crossed, going about their night. Office workers were constantly talking on their phones, probably about the deadlines they failed to meet. Groups of students shared laughter as they crossed the street in one file. Couples sweetly held hands, fathers carried their kids, mothers pushed baby strollers. Elderly people walked side by side with some youngsters who cared enough to assist. 

Yeosang smiled at the sight, his mind temporarily forgetting about the invitation he had received and the anxiety that went along with it. He got to the restaurant and it was only when he had gone inside that he realized he had been here before. 

_He froze in his seat when he saw them walk in. They strolled in, hand in hand, as if nothing in the world could make them worry. The love he used to treasure so much, the same love he thought he had forgotten, came over to him like a huge wave, drowning him. _

_San, who asked for his help to pick a cake for Wooyoung's birthday, followed his gaze, throwing him a questioning look when he saw who it was._

_"Is that the girl?" he asked, every word lacing with worry. _

_Yeosang couldn't do anything but nod. It was his ex-girlfriend, along with his now ex-best friend. She broke up with him saying she couldn't bear to date him anymore once he became an idol because she knew he would have no time for her anymore. She said she would be better off watching him from afar. She said that she would still love him even if they weren't together anymore. Turns out, her heart, mind, and body, had long left Yeosang, for the guy he considered as his best friend. _

_She was his first love, and his first heartbreak. That in itself showed how much pain he was in when he saw them together._

_"Let's just buy a cake somewhere else," he muttered, tugging at San's sleeve. The younger boy passed him an annoyed look. _

_"No," he said firmly. "This is Woo's favorite café and we're buying his cake here."_

_San turned to Yeosang and held both his shoulders, like he was scolding a child. _

_"And you," he sermoned. "You are not going to run away. You have me. What's there to be scared of?"_

"My heart," Yeosang mentally answered the question posed to him in his memory. He walked in and saw that his friend was nowhere to be seen, so he decided to check the menu to save time later. He was still looking at the board when a cold drink was pressed against his cheek. He turned to see a cup of iced caramel macchiato waving in front of him. 

_"Sang-ah, stop crying," San gently pleaded to him as he waved the cup in front of Yeosang's eyes. He placed down the cup of iced americano in front of Yeosang who was crying in his seat. "You look stupid when you cry like that."_

_Yeosang sniffled and wiped his tears away, grabbing the drink and taking a sip to calm his nerves. _

_"That's gonna haunt me forever," he said voice cracking._

_San sighed and put an arm around him. _

_"No, it's not," he assured the older one. "Everyone's voice cracks once in a while you know." _

_"Jongho's doesn't," Yeosang protested, making the younger one roll his eyes. _

_"I'm gonna leave you in Seonghwa hyung's hands if you don't stop," San threatened. Yeosang chuckled a bit before frowning again, his failure replaying once more in his mind. _

_San sighed and sat back down beside him, embracing him in a tight hug. _

_"At least they know you sing live," he said jokingly, trying to comfort Yeosang. The older one cracked a smile. He turned to look at San with wonder in his eyes; where this boy draws his positivity from, no one ever knows. _

"Sang-ah," a low voice brought him back to his senses. Yeosang blinked as if to remove all the other memories in his brain before turning to where the voice came from. 

"Youngjo-ah," he greeted, taking the drink that was being offered to him. "Have you been here long?"

Youngjo shook his head and explained that he had just gotten there a few minutes before Yeosang did; he just ordered the best-sellers for them to try. They sat in a secluded corner, away from the prying eyes of the other customers who seemed to have noticed who they were. They chatted and laughed about everything and nothing. It's been awhile since Yeosang hung out with a friend, the warm feeling of being welcomed filled his whole being. Their food came after a while, and it was the only time when words weren't exchanged between the two. 

Youngjo suggested they walk around the nearby park after dinner to digest the food they just ate, and Yeosang agreed. They walked side by side, enjoying the cool autumn breeze.  
  
_"What are you doing?" Yeosang frantically asked when San held his hand and put it inside his coat pocket. They were shooting a variety show by the beach, as if it wasn't already autumn. The huge body of water in front of them didn't help with the cool breeze. Instead, it made it even colder. The other members were still filming the game they both had already been kicked out of. _

_San shrugged and pulled him even closer to his side, as if to hide their intertwined hands. _

_"You've been rubbing your hands together since we got here," he replied. "Aren't you cold?"_

_Yeosang removed his hand from San's, not noticing the change on the younger's expression. _

_"I am," he answered, crossing his arms. "But I don't need you to hold my hand. My coat is warm enough."_  
  
Yeosang pulled his coat tighter, regret filling his mind. He should have just let San hold his hand until they were told to stand apart. Looking back at his words before, he realized, no coat can be as warm as the hand that loved to hold his. 

A heavy breath left Yeosang's mouth and he realized that even his present conversation with Youngjo was starting to take a more serious tone than the one they had before dinner.

"Are you going to the wedding?" 

Yeosang hesitated before nodding at the question. He turned to look at Youngjo who was giving him an unsure look.

"What?" Yeosang chuckled, pretending not to know what that look meant. 

"How long has it been since you last saw him?" the taller man asked, looking down on him. 

"3 years?" came the unsure reply. 

Youngjo watched as Yeosang walked ahead. He had never seen such loneliness just by staring at the back of someone's head. 

"Do you still love him?" Youngjo half-shouted as he ran after the other one. Yeosang stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the taller one with his brows knitted together. 

"Why are you asking me that?" Yeosang replied, taken aback by the sudden interrogation. 

Youngjo approached him, stopping just as they were face to face. 

"Wanna go to the wedding with me?"

That night, a muffled scream could be heard from inside the bedroom of a beautifully designed penthouse. Yeosang smashed his head against his pillow once again, letting out a frustrated scream. He didn't know why he said yes to Youngjo's offer but he did. He also didn't know why he was feeling so guilty and nervous about it. It's not like he was cheating on anyone if he did that. Youngjo didn't call him a 'date' either. He just asked if he wanted to go together---and he said yes. There was no need to worry, he reminded himself. 

He closed his eyes and forced himself to sleep, unaware that the dream waiting for him that night would be another reminder of the love he denied. 

_Their last schedule for the year had just ended and they were all supposed to go home to their own places but Hongjoong invited all of them over to his place to greet the new year together---for the last time. _

_The renewal of their contracts was coming up in a few months but they all agreed that it was time to go their separate ways. They have all grown so much from the last decade and a half; they had all finally figured out what they wanted to do in life, as individuals. As much as they wanted to stay as a group forever, they all knew they had to follow their own paths some time and this was that time. _

_The boys entered Hongjoong's place, throwing their stuff on the floor as if it was their own house---not that Hongjoong would mind. Mingi and Jongho went outside to prepare the fireworks they bought on the way here while Yunho, Wooyoung and Yeosang took care of their food. San, Hongjoong and Seonghwa was setting up the living room where they would all crash to sleep in. _

_They finished preparing half an hour before midnight. Eight famished boys dug into the food prepared, until there wasn't any left. The boys melted into their chairs, extremely full from the meal they all just shared. _

_"No one poke my stomach, I will burst," Mingi muttered as he sprawled on the bench._

_No one was planning to even move a muscle if it wasn't for Wooyoung's alarm ringing, signalling that it was now just 5 minutes before the new year came. Eight lazy bodies stood up from the bench outside and moved to where the fireworks were placed. It seemed like they had forgotten how full they were just minutes ago; they were now almost jumping up and down in excitement if it weren't for Seonghwa screaming at them, telling them not to jump so much after eating. _

_In a corner, Yeosang tugged at Yunho's shirt, frantically saying he needed to pee before running off to the bathroom. Yunho stared at him in disbelief, screaming that there was only a minute left before midnight. _

_Yeosang cursed under his breath as he finished discharging his liquids just as he heard the members count down. He hastily zipped up his pants and flushed the toilet as the numbers reached three. _

_"Two!" _

_"One!"_

_The bathroom door swung open as Yeosang pulled it with much force. He was ready to run back to the yard but he was met by a familiar pair of eyes, staring him down. _

_"Happy New Year," the words came like a soft breeze before the lips he knew so well came gently brushing against his, gradually deepening. _

_It was nothing like the needy kiss they first shared in a bathroom stall. This was more like an unsure peck on the lips, like a first kiss, that turned into something more meaningful---something more emotional. Their lips moved in sync; all the emotions they've kept inside for the past fourteen years seemed to open like Pandora's box, spilling into the kiss they shared. _

_They pulled away, both their eyes glimmering from the tears that threatened to fall. San ran his hand through Yeosang's cheek, and opened his mouth to say something and Yeosang immediately knew what it was. He didn't want to hear it. _

_"Don't," Yeosang's voice came in a whisper but it was as firm as a shout._

_In the end, just like the morning after that night, San just nodded. _

_"Okay," came his reply. He smiled gently at the older one and patted his head instead. _

_"Happy New Year, Sang-ah."_

_"Happy New Year, Sannie-ah."_

Yeosang woke up with tears in his eyes. He clutched his chest in pain as regrets flooded his whole being. He remembered Mingi asking him what he was scared about when it was San---the boy who cared about his friends more than anything. Even if they did end up breaking up, he would never, in a million years, according to Mingi, lose San. 

Why? He asked himself the same thing everyday. And only one answer came to his mind. He wasn't afraid of losing San, because he, too, would never leave San even if the world told him to. 

He was afraid of loving too much again, only to end up getting betrayed. He was afraid of loving too much to hate the person who let him down. He was afraid of leaving his heart under the care of someone else only to have it returned to him in pieces.

He wiped his tears away and checked the clock. It was five in the morning; no point in trying to sleep again. Instead, he went to his study to read through the new scripts his manager gave him for the new dramas he was to audition in. 

"Work, Yeosang," he mentally reminded himself. "Focus on work."

And that's what he did. Until the dreaded day came. 

_S&H_

The three characters welcomed each guest to the hall where the wedding was to happen. 

Just as they had agreed upon, Youngjo picked Yeosang up and they arrived at the venue together. His eyes landed on the same three characters that were on the invitation he received, a melancholic smile passed on his lips. He was standing frozen in his place when his phone pinged. A message from Jongho lit up his screen. 

"We're in the waiting room wid the grooms. Wru hyung?" 

Youngjo saw the message and put an arm around Yeosang. 

"You okay?" he asked, receiving a nod from the other one. 

They walked to the waiting room together, Yeosang breathing in deeply before opening the knob. The grooms sat in the middle, obviously a match made in heaven. Yeosang was almost jealous of how their actions naturally complimented each other. 

"Seoho-yah! Hwanwoong-ah!" he called, running to the grooms and jumping over to hug them both. "Congratulations!" 

Keonhee pulled them all away from each other, protesting that they had to take a photo now because the ceremony was starting. As they all squeezed in to fit in the frame, Yeosang noticed that there was someone missing. 

"He'll catch up at the reception," he heard Wooyoung whisper to him, as if reading his mind. He smiled awkwardly at Wooyoung, like a highschool student who got caught looking for his crush. The best friend chuckled at his expression and motioned for him to turn to the camera. 

After taking the group photo, they were all escorted out by the staff as the ceremony was about to start. They sat in their designated seats and waited for the wedding to begin. 

Yeosang didn't know if he should be thankful that San wasn't there yet or if he should curse the heavens for prolonging his agony. He was fidgeting too much, not noticing that the music had begun and doors opened, revealing the grooms, hand in hand. The slight touch on his hand brought him back to his senses; he turned gratefully to Youngjo who had pulled him up from his seat, saving him from embarrassment. 

"Relax," Youngjo whispered in his ear. "He will come." 

Yeosang didn't know why everybody around him assumed he was anticipating San's arrival---not that he wasn't but they didn't have to rub in the fact that he was. 

The ceremony was short but it was beautiful. A lot of tears were shed when the couple exchanged their vows. They have been through a lot and to be able to stand in front of everyone and declare their love for each other was something that filled everyone with love and warmth. 

Upbeat music blasted through the speakers as soon as the ceremony ended, signalling the start of the reception. The guests were very lively, chatter could be heard around the banquet hall. Yeosang looked around his friends in the table, and he beamed with pride as he realized how far each of them had come. 

Hongjoong now owns his own label where he works with Yunho and Wooyoung in training new artists. Mingi has made a name for his own as a producer and an artist. Seonghwa was now known in the modelling field; Jongho was now one of the most popular theatre actors. San---he's been working overseas for the past couple of years, as an up and coming actor. His Hollywood debut made a huge impact on his popularity. He came back a few months ago for a solo fanmeet but Yeosang didn't see him---rather, he chose not to see him. Yeosang excused himself from their table to get more drinks, to stop the rest of the bitter memories from flooding his mind again. 

He quickly chugged down a glass of champagne when he got to the bar. He took another glass to bring back with him, the sound of excited laughter greeted him as he approached the table. As soon as he got to his seat he realized what the ruckus was all about: San. 

He had dyed his hair jet black for the movie he was filming and it suited him well. The way he looked right now, the way he glowed in his custom-made suit reminded Yeosang of the night they received their first international award. He looked regal and beautiful, just like he did at this very moment. A warm smile flashed on San's lips as he approached the other who was frozen in his place. 

He opened his arms and embraced him, the familiar scent of the other filling his senses. He had forgotten how much he missed basking in the sweet scent of the older one until this moment, when the man he had longed for so much, fit right into his arms. 

Yeosang melted right into his arms, and without thinking, hugged him back. 

_They waited for San in one of the cafés inside the airport, as he checked his luggage in, chatting about their own plans. Yeosang absentmindedly listened to everyone; his mind was clearly just on one thing. _

_"You should tell him," Seonghwa whispered into his ear, making him turn sharply. He was met by Seonghwa's concerned look, but he reciprocated it with a shrug. _

_"It's too late," Yeosang replied turning back to his original position. _

_"No, it's not" came the reply, full of reason. "It's not too late. Yeah, sure, it won't change his plans. I'm sure it won't change yours either. But would you rather suffer in silence, than just get it over with---"_

_"We already got it over with!" Yeosang half-screamed at his hyung. Seonghwa rolled his eyes at him. _

_"When? Back when you both had sex when we were rookies?" Seonghwa asked, raising his eyebrows. "Oh, please, Yeosang. We all know you guys had fallen for each other long before that happened. Your feelings were all over the place even after that, all of us were asking why don't you just date each other? It's not like you can leave each other even if you did break up anyway."_

_Seonghwa crossed his arms and turned his gaze away from Yeosang. _

_"You're both stupid, you know," he muttered. "I swear, Yeosang if you don't do anything about it now, you will regret it later. It was fine not saying anything when you guys saw each other basically everyday. At least you know what's happening to each other. But now that he's leaving, he's going to work overseas, I'm sure, with the state you're both in, you wouldn't dare ask each other what's up."_

_Yeosang glared at him, but Seonghwa just looked back at him with a nonchalant face. _

_"3 years is a long time, Sang-ah," Seonghwa spoke with a taunting tone. "Are you sure he's still yours when he comes back?"_

Yeosang pulled away from the hug and took a good look at the man before him. He knew what the answer was to Seonghwa's question years ago but he couldn't say it. 

No. No, he wasn't sure if San was still his. He came back just as planned but it was not like they kept in touch that much. He doesn't even know if San dated anyone while he was away. 

"Hey, you're home!" Dongju, who had just came back from getting more food, hopped over to greet San. Youngjo and Keonhee followed behind him, screaming in excitement as well. 

San smiled brightly upon them, his hand still resting on Yeosang's waist---neither of them noticed. 

"Good to be home," San replied, glancing over quickly at Yeosang who was looking down at the glass in his hand, lost in thought. The younger one smiled tightly at him before clearing his throat and moving away; the older one did the same. San sighed as he watched Yeosang walk away, turning to chat with his other friends. 

San turned his attention to his best friend after a while and dragged him out of his seat to accompany him in greeting the newlyweds. Yeosang watched as the two walked away, Seonghwa's words echoing in his mind. It seemed like San was still San. He still wore the bright smile he always had. He still bickered around with the other boys. But as for his heart, Yeosang had no idea if it still held the same person inside. 

The celebration ended and the guests had started to leave, showering the newlyweds with blessing as they said goodbye. Some of the boys had too much to drink and were starting to do nonsensical things. Seonghwa was trying to braid Jongho's hair, then complaining it was too short; Jongho was studying the chandelier like it was a new species yet to be discovered. Mingi was muttering rap lyrics while half-sobbing, calling out Yunho's name. Wooyoung was passed out on San's lap. Hongjoong shook his head at the mess. 

"Yunho, Yeosang, are you guys riding with me?" Hongjoong asked the more sober ones than the other four. Yeosang shook his head and explained that he was going back with Youngjo. 

"San, where are you staying?"

San looked up from his phone, raising an eyebrow at Hongjoong. The older repeated his question and San answered that he was to drive back to their house. 

The other boys went ahead, reminding the two of them of their planned trip the next weekend. They both reassured them that they were coming, waving as they drove off. 

Yeosang shifted his weight awkwardly before telling San that he could go ahead, giving him a pat on the shoulder. He went back inside, not caring whether San had anything else to say. He waited for Youngjo at the lobby and not long after, the man appeared, assisting two drunk members on each of his side. Keonhee was protesting about wanting more cake and some chili while Dongju was poking at Youngjo's cheek, calling it tofu. 

"Where's Geonhak?" Yeosang asked as he took Dongju into his arms, the poking moved from Youngjo's cheek to his. 

"Already in the car," Youngjo replied sighing. "I'll have to drop them all off first before I drop you off. Is that okay?" 

Yeosang was about to agree but Dongju was taken from his arm; he turned to see San looking down at him. 

"I can drive you home," it sounded more like a statement than an offer.. He didn't wait for Yeosang to reply as he asked Youngjo where he was parked, helping him bring the other two to his car. 

Yeosang followed behind them, his mind racing. He could still decline the offer since he wasn't still in the car. He watched as the other two sat the drunk ones down the back seat of the car, laughing at the mess they were. San walked over to tell him to wait there as he would bring that car around. In contrast to his original plan, Yeosang found himself saying a small "okay". 

Youngjo approached Yeosang as San left, putting an arm around him. 

"You still love him," it wasn't a question. 

Yeosang turned to him and buried his face into Youngjo's shoulder, the latter embracing him securely. Yeosang couldn't help but feel that it was different from the hugs he received from San; those made him feel secure---like nothing in the world could go wrong. This one, made him feel...nothing.

"Stop pushing him away," Youngjo whispered in his ear. "If he still feels the same way as you do, stop being scared and just take the leap." 

Yeosang sighed and looked up to Youngjo with a grateful smile. The taller one gave him a soft kiss on the forehead, before completely letting him go. 

"If he doesn't feel the same way anymore, I'm just here," Youngjo said jokingly as he nudged Yeosang, making the latter laugh. 

San watched the scene from afar, his heart twisting in pain. For three years, he tried to forget. He tried to move on. But he couldn't. He came back wishing that he still had a chance to right his wrongs and stop being scared and just ask Yeosang why. But as he watched him sink into someone else's embrace, accept a kiss from someone else, and laugh at someone else's joke, he felt the chance he hoped to have slowly slip away. He stepped on the gas, mentally reprimanding himself, reminding himself that he needed to get his shit together before driving if he didn't want to get into an accident. 

Yeosang got inside his car, waving Youngjo goodbye before they drove off. 

"Are you guys dating?" San asked after a while of silence. He was surprised that his voice didn't crack. Yeosang turned to him with an amused look on his face. 

"Who? Youngjo?" he chuckled. "Do you think he would let me go home in someone else's car if we were dating? He probably would have made you drive the other three home instead."

Yeosang watched as relief washed over San's face. He mentally rejoiced that the younger one was intrigued, if not jealous.

"How about you? Are you dating anyone?" he returned the question, finally mustering up the courage to do so after San broke the ice.

"Well, that depends," San replied as he turned at an intersection. 

"On what?" Yeosang turned to him in confusion. 

"On your availability," San answered, a smile creeping up his sharp features. 

Yeosang found himself laughing at the reply. He found it funny but at the same time he wasn't sure if it was just part of the charade they had been playing all these years or if San really meant that. 

San laughed together with him, their conversation started to take a lighter note---they talked about their current careers and updated each other of things that had happened to them and their friends in the past three years. It seemed just like two old friends catching up with each other. They forgot about their inner turmoil for a while and just enjoyed each other's company. 

It was past ten o'clock when they got to Yeosang's building. 

"Message me when you're inside," San said, while watching Yeosang unbuckle his seatbelt. 

The older one nodded, hesitating. 

"Are you sure you can still drive home at this hour?" he finally asked. "You can just crash in my place and drive home tomorrow."

Shock passed over San's features for a while but he masked it with a grateful smile. 

"That sounds great," he agreed. "I'm actually really still jet lagged."

Yeosang chuckled and offered to guide him to the parking lot. They went up to Yeosang's penthouse and San immediately threw himself on the couch, praising the place. 

"Your place is a lot bigger than the one I have in LA," he muttered. Yeosang chuckled, nudging him to get up. 

"Don't sleep there," he ordered. "You can take the guest room."

"You have a guest room?!" San screamed, jumping up from the couch. Yeosang laughed at him, and reached out to shuffle his hair. 

"Yes," he affirmed. "You can go shower, I'll leave the clothes on your bed."

San nodded and did as he was told, incredibly happy that the older took initiative to invite him over. He finished showering and he threw on the clothes he found on his bed. He walked out to check if Yeosang was still awake and his guess was right, the lights were still on in his study. He timidly knocked on the door, a small voice came from behind it telling him to come in. He walked inside and saw Yeosang immersed in what seemed to be a script. San sat on the couch in front of Yeosang's table and silently watched as the older one's forehead furrow. Without asking the older one, he knew, maybe because he also did the same thing, Yeosang had no plans to sleep anytime soon. 

He quietly slipped out of the study, not wanting to disturb the state of focus the other was in, and went to the kitchen. He found an unopened box of Yeosang's favorite coffee; he helped himself around the kitchen and prepared a cup for the other and one for himself. San entered the study, the aroma of the coffee made Yeosang look up from the script he was studying, a surprised look went over his face.

"I hope you don't mind," San said as he gently put down the coffee cup. "I went through your pantry and prepared this."

Yeosang chuckled, taking a sip from the cup. 

"Of course I don't," he replied. "Thanks, by the way."

San nodded in response and took a sip from his cup. They drank their coffee in silence; San continued to watch as Yeosang read on. The longer he stared at the man before him, the more he realized there was no way on earth he could ever let him go---not anymore. He loved him so much, and he still does. He loved every part of him, every habit, every feature, every flaw---everything. Everything that made up Kang Yeosang, he was deeply in love with it. 

"This is good," he spoke after a while, earning a nod from the older one. 

"Yeah, that's why it's my favorite," Yeosang replied, still glued to his script. 

San chuckled. Just as he expected, Yeosang wouldn't pick up that quickly. 

"No, not the coffee," he continued, this time making Yeosang look at him. "I mean this. Us."

Yeosang stared at him, before replying. 

"Yeah," he agreed. His face didn't show anything but a sense of melancholy. They stared at each other for sometime before Yeosang smiled tightly, drumming on his script and turning his attention away from San. 

San, understanding that the other may still not be ready to talk about it, stood up and headed for the door. 

"I was scared," Yeosang's voice sounded weak from behind him, making him stop in his tracks. He turned to see Yeosang, looking right at him as his eyes brimmed with tears. 

"The truth is," he continued. "I still am."

San let go of the door knob and fully faced Yeosang's direction wordlessly. He had waited so long for the other to say what was on his mind and now, he was finally doing it. 

"I wasn't scared of losing you," Yeosang said, fighting the tears. "Because I knew that would never happen. I was scared to take the risk and end up getting betrayed again. I was scared that I would love you too much to hate you if ever that happens. I was scared of going through the same darkness as before and losing myself in the process of getting out."

Tears streamed down Yeosang's face.

"I was so scared of so many things back then," he continued, sobbing. "And when I saw you again a while ago, I got even more scared that I was too late."

He bit down his lips as he struggled to continue. 

"I shouldn't have been so selfish and cowardly. I never should have treated you like that that morning, after everything that happened. I should have let you hold my hand whenever I was cold or when I was scared. I shouldn't have stopped you from saying what you wanted to say on our last New Year's Eve together. I should have let you say it. I should have said it back. I shouldn't have let my fears get in the way of what we could have been."

He looked at San who was still standing by the doorway, not uttering any word. 

"I'm sorry," Yeosang managed to say. "I'm selfish. I'm a coward. And I'm stupid. But I… I hope it isn't too late."

Yeosang stared at San. The younger boy had an unreadable expression on his face and Yeosang hated it. He didn't know what the other was thinking. He didn't know if he should keep on hoping or just completely let it go.

Seconds turned to minutes. Yeosang was slowly giving up on waiting for San to reply as his tears began to dry. He gave one last glance to the younger boy before sighing in resignation. 

A gentle smile passed on San's lips when the older looked away. He was still the same Yeosang as before. The same Yeosang who hated silence and waiting. The same Yeosang thought all his problems will be solved by a single confrontation. He was still the same stubborn Yeosang. 

"Kang Yeosang."

The call for his name made Yeosang turn his attention back to the man in front of him. He was expecting to see an angered look on San's face but to his surprise, a gentle gaze met his. 

"I love you."

Tears started to stream down Yeosang's face again as he stood up from his chair, running to San who had his arms opened wide, welcoming him. 

Yeosang threw his arms around San's neck and buried his face on his shoulders, sobbing, continuously muttering how sorry he was for being the cause of the hardship they went through for so long. He was crying so hard that he didn't notice, San had already lifted him up in his arms and carried him back to his room. It was only when he was laid down on the soft mattress that he realized they were no longer in his study. 

He let go of San, looking guilty when he saw how wet San's shirt had become from his tears. San understood what was on his mind and chuckled at his foolishness. He let go of Yeosang and asked where he kept his shirts. The older pointed at his closet and San found a shirt he could change in. Yeosang settled back onto the bed, leaning on the headboard as his eyes were slowly getting heavy from all the crying. 

San sat beside him, smiling apologetically as he took Yeosang's hand in his. 

"I'm sorry I never asked," he said, making Yeosang shake his head in denial. 

"You and I both know I never would have answered anyway," Yeosang replied, leaning his head on San's shoulder. The younger buried his face into Yeosang's hair, just as he always did before, taking in the sweet scent. 

"Sannie-ah," Yeosang's voice rang gently in San's ear. He lifted his head and the older did as well, resting his chin on San's shoulder so that their faces were only a few inches apart. 

"I love you."

It was San's turn to cry. Yeosang couldn't help but laugh at the sudden burst of tears from the younger's eyes. He cracked up and pulled San into his arms, running soothing circles on his back. San pulled away after a few moments, wiping his tears away as he pouted at Yeosang. 

"I never thought I would live to hear you say that," he said, starting to laugh at his own sudden breakdown. 

Yeosang burst into laughter as he pulled San in for a kiss, their lips both tasting a bit salty from all the crying they did. It was a gentle and chaste kiss but it contained the same amount of love as the one they shared on that New Year's Eve---maybe even more. 

They pulled back, once again laughing at their stupid decisions; the voices of every person who pointed out the fact echoed in their minds. 

San ran his hand on Yeosang's face and placed a gentle kiss on the older one's forehead before looking into his eyes and asking the question they both knew too well. 

"We good?" 

Yeosang cracked up at the question, burying his face into San's arm, the latter falling into the same kind of laughter. Out of breath, Yeosang looked at San and shook his head. 

"Nope," he replied. "We're great."

They both laughed at the inside joke they had made---only now, they both knew they weren't kidding anymore. 

San watched as Yeosang slept peacefully in his arms that night, his heart filled with warmth, knowing that when they wake up the next morning, it would be nothing like the night they when they first slept together. He would wake up with the man he loved still in his arms and they would greet the next day and the days to come---together. San drifted off to sleep, embracing Yeosang tightly, not wanting to ever let go.

_He watched as Yeosang ran to the bathroom, just a minute before New Year came. Yunho was loudly complaining about Yeosang leaving at the wrong time and it dawned on him. This was the perfect excuse. He put down the glass of alcohol he had and followed behind Yeosang. Yunho was about to protest about it but Wooyoung, reading his best friend's mind, stopped Yunho half-way. _

_San fiddled with his sweater as he waited in front of the bathroom door---for Yeosang to open up. He could hear the members counting down from afar. His heart hammered against his chest as he saw the knob turn. _

_"Two!"_

_"One!"_

_The door forcefully swung inside---San mustered up all his courage. _

_"Happy New Year," his voice came out like a whisper just before he planted an unsure kiss on Yeosang's lips. It was nothing like the first time he kissed him. This was how he actually envisioned their first kiss. He was about to pull back and run away but he felt the older one reciprocate the action. He gave in and deepened the kiss. All the feelings he had kept bottled inside came spilling out---pouring over to this moment they shared._

_Everything became clear to him as they pulled apart. He loved him. And he would do anything to keep him by his side. He put his hand on Yeosang's cheek, caressing it like the way he did on that night, as the older one was sound asleep in his arms. He opened his mouth to say the three words he had long been waiting to say but the shaking of the head came from the man he was holding, forcing the words in his throat into a halt. _

_"Don't."_

_San's hand fell from Yeosang's face to his side. For fourteen years he yearned to ask him why. But as they stood face to face in this moment, going through the same conversation, he still can't seem to bring himself to ask why. As he stared deep into Yeosang's eyes, it dawned on him. All these years he already knew what was holding Yeosang back. He wanted him to say it, to share the burden with him, but he also knew how stubborn Yeosang could be. Even if he did ask him, if Yeosang didn't want to answer, he wouldn't. So he decided he would wait. He would wait, no matter how long it was, until Yeosang was ready to come out of his shell and let him share the burden._

_That was how much he loved him. The thing was, he wasn't even sure if the other felt the same. _

The dream jolted San awake as the familiar feeling of pain overcame his senses. He moved his hand to reach out to Yeosang but there was no one there. The absence beside him made him jump out of bed in panic. He ran out of the bedroom, practically screaming the older one's name but no response came. His breath grew heavy as he tried to dial Yeosang's phone. Much to his dismay, he heard the phone he was calling ring from the counter. 

Just as he was putting on his coat to run out and find Yeosang, the door opened, revealing the man he was looking for. 

"Sang-ah!" 

He ran to the older one, pulling him by the waist and burying his head into his shoulder. Yeosang froze in shock at San's sudden behavior. He was about to tease him about his actions when he heard a small sob from the younger one. His shoulders immediately felt wet from tears that poured out of San's eyes. Yeosang sighed and put his arms around San, offering a sense of security he never did before. He slowly walked forward, San followed his footsteps backward, still sobbing into his shoulder.

They moved towards the living room; Yeosang put the food he had bought for their breakfast down on the counter as they passed by it. They settled down on the couch; San was still clinging onto him with no intention of letting go. Yeosang ran his fingers through San's hair, soothing him. They stayed like that for a while, understanding what each other had gone through for the past eighteen years, even without uttering a word. 

San lifted his head from Yeosang's shoulder; his tear-stained cheeks puffed as he heaved a sigh. 

"Why did you cry?" Yeosang gently asked, intertwining their hands. 

"I thought you left me," San answered, snuggling closer to Yeosang. "I didn't realize it before but I was scared too. Maybe it was because you always cut me off when I'm about to express my feelings for you."

Yeosang chuckled, placing a soft kiss on San's forehead. 

"I know," he admitted. "I'm sorry."

San sighed and gazed into Yeosang's eyes, failing to conceal his worries. 

"I won't ever do that ever again," Yeosang spoke, reading what was on San's mind. "I promise."

San narrowed his eyes at him, suddenly jumping up from their position. Yeosang watched as he stumbled through the living room running to where he left his coat hanging. Confusion filled Yeosang's mind as San rummaged through his coat, screaming in joy when he found what he was looking for. The younger ran back to the couch, stopping right in front of Yeosang. 

The older one feigned fear and put his arms across his body, insisting that they shouldn't do it in broad daylight. San rolled his eyes at Yeosang before slowly getting down on one knee. 

Yeosang's mouth fell open when he realized what San was doing. The small velvet box slowly opened in front of his eyes, revealing a silver ring---a silver ring he knew so well. Tears brimmed in Yeosang's eyes as he remembered the most bitter memory hidden deep in his mind.

_Jongho waved as Yeosang entered the café. They agreed to have lunch before Jongho went to his final show. The older one beamed at their maknae as he approached. _

_"You sure you can't go later?" Jongho asked as they ate their food. The other members had planned to have dinner together, since San was back in Korea for his solo fanmeet. _

_Yeosang swallowed the food in his mouth as he shook his head._

_"No, we're filming a lot of heavy scenes later so we might end, at the very least tomorrow morning," he explained. _

_Jongho nodded in understanding, hesitating to bring up the topic that has been bothering him for a while. Yeosang noticed the hesitation in his eyes and prodded him to just say whatever it was he wanted to say. _

_The maknae sighed, pulling up a picture on his phone. _

_"I was with Sannie-hyung last night," he started. "And he picked out this ring."_

_He pushed his phone towards Yeosang, carefully watching the expression on the older. _

_"He didn't say who it was, but I think he's going to propose to someone," Jongho finished. _

_Yeosang stared at the photo, heart clenching. He looked away and faked a smile. _

_"Well, that's great!"_

Tears streamed down Yeosang's face. He never thought that this bitter memory would bring him to this moment. 

"Kang Yeosang," San spoke in the most endearing tone Yeosang had ever heard. "In the years we were apart, I tried to forget everything about you. But I just couldn't. I keep loving you more and more each day."

Yeosang wiped the tears away from his eyes, and took the hand San was offering to him. 

"I know we haven't even officially dated," he continued, chuckling. "But, seriously, do we still even need to date? I think we know each other enough to skip that part."

His monologue made Yeosang laugh despite the tears. 

"We've been going in circles for the past 18 years, I think it's time to stop this silly game we kept on playing," San said on a more serious tone.

"Kang Yeosang, will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

Unable to say anything, Yeosang nodded. San heaved a sigh of relief as he put the ring on his finger. The older one immediately threw himself onto the younger one, tackling him on the floor. Like the many times before, they shared a joyful laughter. San embraced Yeosang as their laughter died down, sniffing his hair once again. 

"I was supposed to propose to you when I came back here months ago, but you didn't come to the dinner. So I figured you didn't want to see me," San complained as they both stared at the ring on Yeosang's finger. 

Yeosang chuckled, turning to San. 

"I know," he said, cackling as the shock on the younger's face seemed priceless. "Jongho was worried about me so he showed me a photo of this ring when we had lunch." 

San groaned in exasperation, making Yeosang laugh even more. 

"What if I didn't say yes?" Yeosang asked. "I mean months ago, if you did end up proposing. "

The younger one ran his fingers through Yeosang's hair, smiling gently. 

"Honestly, I just got tired of waiting for you to say something," he explained. "I thought that I would just go out there and say what I wanna say, and get it over with. Whether you reject me or not was something I decided to deal with later on." 

Yeosang listened, looking into San's eyes. 

"But now, looking back on it," the younger continued. "I'm actually glad you didn't come that evening. It might actually have ended with a rejection from you, instead of being here in this moment."

Yeosang smiled, resting his hand on San's face. 

"Thank you," he whispered, making San raise his eyebrows. "For being patient with stubborn person like me." 

San pulled him closer, resting the older one's head on his chest. Yeosang could hear his heartbeat clearly and even if he couldn't hear his own, he knew it matched his. 

"I love you so much, Kang Yeosang," San sighed, placing a kiss on the top of his head. 

Yeosang looked up at him with a pout on his face. 

"I love you, too, but…"

San's face was raised with alarm. 

"But, I'm hungry," Yeosang protested. "Let's eat!"

San laughed at his childishness and nodded, pulling him up. The older one made a face as he was asked to stand up. 

"Carry me!" the shout came, oozing with aegyo, making San scoff at how cheesy he was being. It was so far from the Yeosang he projected himself to be. 

"How old are you?" he groaned, rolling his eyes at the older one. Yeosang's expression quickly turned cold. 

"What, you don't want to marry into this mess anymore?" he taunted; San quickly obliged, carrying him like a princess. 

"I'm moving in here once we get married," San protested as they walked into the kitchen. "Or buy me a bigger house in L.A."

"Ugh," a smack was delivered to the younger's head. "You're the one in Hollywood, you buy me a house."

They continued to bicker with each other as they ate their breakfast together.

They used to laugh at the love they hated to admit. But this time, they knew---this was no joke. This time, they were going to take it seriously. This time, they were going to make it last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--THANK U SO MUCH FOR READING THRU DISSSSS--  
\--im sori if i hurt u huhu i hurt myself while i was writing too--  
\--honestly i wanted to leave it as it was in the first chapter bUT IT'S SANSANG--  
\---comments nd kudos r v v v much appreciated!!!---


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